Speaking Life: Encouragement That Strengthens Marriage

Everyone loves to be affirmed, encouraged and thanked. However, it always appears to be a difficult or forgotten kindness that we all fall short of. Just imagine how much better our marriages could be when we are more considerate of our husband or wife’s feelings particularly in the way we speak to one another.

Reflecting God’s heart

Now, when we realise that affirmation reflects God’s heart, we must be doing the right thing. In Zephaniah 3:17 He rejoices over us with ‘great gladness’ (NLT). It says, in this short passage, that He will calm and quieten us, bringing peace and strength. There is also joy as He ‘sings over you’. Like God, we should delight in affirming and encouraging one another. It should become a natural way to communicate. Scripture reminds us that when we serve each other with joy and goodness, we will please God, as well as pleasing others, that is our spouse. (Romans 14:18)

Putting encouragement into practice

How do we practically do this? Well, we should mean what we say and not just flatter to make ourselves sound good. We should say what we admire as well as what we appreciate about their character, who they are as a person not just what they do for us. We should be a positive influence in our marriage in order that we strengthen our bond and not bring a curse. (Proverbs 18:21) see our previous blog on ‘The Power of Words’.

Affirmation brings confidence and creates safety

Bringing a positive influence means speaking confidence over each other; believing in each other; affirming one another’s God-given gifts; and always knowing you have or are their backing. There can be nothing more affirming than when a spouse is speaking so warmly and impressively about their beloved. I believe affirmation brings confidence.

I can often feel discouraged and insecure, in my own belief, at work for example, or when I’m about to do something that requires some courage, like public speaking. If we are consistently affirmed and uplifted, this should help combat this lack of confidence in us. Scripture uses words like ‘Edification’ meaning to build up and the word ‘Comfort’, which, when we break this word in two is to ‘give strength’. (Ephesians 4:29) When we comfort one another, we naturally choose to speak in a gentle voice, lowering our tone and consider what we are about to say - would this harm or heal? Kind words create safety in a relationship. (Proverbs 15:1)

Affirmation is a daily spiritual practice

Being intentionally affirming and supportive should be part of our spiritual growth. We need to pray and ask the Holy Spirit to help us become more aware of how our spouse feels. In Colossians 4:6, it suggests we become more ‘gracious and effective’ with our words (NLT). This could mean in the form of little notes around the house. My husband Kevin has done this, and I still find them where I left them, to make me smile and be encouraged.

When our husband or wife shows appreciation through words, little notes of thankfulness or just a gentle squeeze of the hand or a smile when out and about, can be all that is needed to tell us how much we are appreciated for what we do and bring. In the Old Testament, in Job, he says “When they were discouraged, I smiled at them. My look of approval was precious to them.” (Job29:24 NLT)

Appreciation honours sacrifice

 It is also remarking on the unseen efforts that will speak volumes too. (Philippians 1:3) It is all too easy to take our husband or wife for granted, especially for the regular, mundane chores that we both must do. Every now and again, there is something special about being thanked and appreciated. I don’t recall my dear father-in-law ever forgetting to thank his wife for the meals she regularly provided and yet he had tasted the same food for over 60 years!

Loving words deepen intimacy and strengthen unity

 Another form of appreciation is when we are complimented on our appearance. We all love being told how beautiful/handsome we are. It appeals to our natural vanity. But seriously, when our spouse has noticed how much effort we have made to look good, this nurtures our emotional and sexual intimacy during moments of closeness. It shouldn’t be just for those occasions when we are going out either. We could be in our ‘old clothes’ with no make-up, or our husband may look a bit dishevelled and unshaven, but we must tell each other how lovely we look. ‘You are so beautiful, my beloved, so perfect in every part.’ (Song of Songs 4:7 NLT) Speaking loving and affectionate words can improve our spiritual intimacy too.

Finaly, encouragement in our relationship strengthens our unity; improves emotional connection and fosters great teamwork. In 1Thessalonians 5:11 it says, ‘So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing’ (NLT).