How Can Christian Couples Make Decisions Together?

Introduction

Decisions, decisions, decisions! We make them all the time, for all sorts of ‘everyday things’ to those big financial and life changing decisions. How we solve a problem and decide which way is best for us, as a couple, is one of the most important aspects of marriage because it can affect our relatability – how we move and grow in our marriage relationship.

There is nothing more frustrating than being stuck in a rut because someone will not take part in the decision process, or being left to feel walked over and ‘out of the picture’ because someone else has decided - without asking your opinion. Both situations will create conflict and can so easily be avoided. In marriage we are a team which means we must work together, so there shouldn’t be any reason for lone decision making!

Listening to hear

We are made in God’s image, and He is a great listener. The Bible encourages us to hear and be attentive. In James we are reminded to be …‘quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry...’ (Ch 1:19 NLT) Listening should then involve hearing what the other person is really saying not just their words. When we are trying to make important decisions, we want to feel heard as this brings emotional security. The problem maybe quite critical or life changing and empathy or ‘listening to understand and not to reply’ is a useful skill to adopt. It’s worth practicing our active listening skills by making sure we have really understood our spouse. By creating a habit of asking them questions about their choices and opinions before revealing ours, will then allow our husband or wife to feel heard and the problem will more likely be easier to solve.

Listening to God

Most of our decisions should include God even if He already knows the outcome. If we have a relationship with God, through the Holy Spirit, we want to know what He wants or what His will is - (Psalm 25:15) Again, in James we are told to ask for wisdom and believe that He gives it to us. There is an element of faith here. If we ask and then go back to our own reasoning, which the Bible warns against (Example 1 Sam 27:1 NLT), we can create a muddled mind, then God will not answer our prayer when we ask! (James Ch 1:5-7) This is when we could get stuck in our rut! We must truly believe that God will guide us when we ask.

 In Philippians chapter 4:6-7 (NLT) it says “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” The scripture here is reminding us that we must explain to God every detail of our concern and show our faith that He will answer by thanking Him. We will then know that we have made the right decision, because He has promised to give us a sense of peace in our hearts as well as in our thoughts.

Our prayers do the asking and thanking, but it is also when we read His word that God can speak to us and confirm our sense of peace by His Spirit. It is so important that a couple give the Lord their time in prayer and Bible study. Knowing scripture enables a couple to share what the Lord has given to them individually. My Husband and I spend time listening to what God has for us. A word or picture can be quite revealing especially when there are similarities. We are then able to pray more effectively, allowing the Spirit to enlighten us to His will. This is unifying and brings a strength to our marriage. (Psalm 25:4 & 8) & (Psalm 119:105) This strength can push us to take a risk, to step up and test the waters. It is when we do this that a seemingly difficult decision can be solved or at least encourages us to make a wise choice. That sense of peace is realised.

Balancing Facts and Feelings

What happens if one of us makes decisions based on our feelings and emotions while the other is good at looking at all the facts with a more logical approach? Is one better than the other?

Both are needed. While feelings are notoriously unreliable, we have noted that the Lord speaks to our hearts. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Pray always, as we have already said. Check those facts and figures – do they align with scripture? Do they bring God’s peace? A factual approach can be cold hearted and miss God’s timing. I had to decide about returning to work – when, as well as where? There was some pressure from other family members, who do not share our faith, basing their thoughts on practical matters. But God had an appointed time for me that was perfect. This is when our unity as a married couple mustn’t weaken as I explain later.

It is in Luke 14:25-32, however, where the Bible shows us to use the wisdom and intellect, that God has already given, to make good choices. Sometimes there is a cost to our decisions and laying out the facts and figures is a very practical way of doing just that.

Protecting unity from outside pressure

When making decisions as a married couple, it is important to remember our vows and who we made our promises to. (Mark 10:9) Yes, we can and should listen to Godly counsel, but ultimately, we must make our decisions together privately and be committed to supporting each other as a united front.

Creating our own boundaries and values as a couple, gives us credibility and strength to stand up against external pressure. There is, otherwise, a danger of division and a temptation to take sides. We must remember that, as a couple, we need to agree on a decision in order that we move forward. ‘Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?’ (Amos 3:3 NLT) Taking sides is destructive and isolating. The devil will gain a foothold in our marriage if we let him!

I felt in my heart when it was right to return to work through His peace in my prayers and His word. My husband was supportive in my decision throughout. God doesn’t push, apply pressure, or condemn - this is another sign of when it is right or wrong.

Our Children are watching us decide

Being a parent is a great responsibility which involves being a good influence in our decision making and problem solving. We want to show them, by example, how to choose wisely but also how to choose wisely when interacting with others, particularly their future spouses. As we have already noted, both opinions must be considered when deciding and problem solving with another person. This is a skill worth sharing with our children.

Naturally we are going to make some bad decisions, and our children will witness our mistakes but that is all part of disciplining - training them to see that failure is not a reason to give up but to change, learn and move on. Children need to see Mum and Dad having a difference of opinion, agreeing to disagree without taking offence and respecting each other. Transparency is a wise choice for a parent to make when they display integrity and honesty in front of their children. At the same time, we must show unity through our joint and common values as a couple. In this way, we are modelling biblical values, as instructed to the Israelites in Deuteronomy chapter 6:4-7. This passage of scripture points out the importance of integrating those values, for our children to witness, and be impressed upon when we allow God to guide our choices.

Dominating decision making

Is one spouse dominating the conversations and making all the decisions, sorting out all the difficult problems? The Bible makes it quite clear that we should ‘submit to one another out of reverence for Christ’ (Ephesians 5:21 NLT)

Now, it could be that the quieter spouse is willing to let their husband or wife lead in the decision making because they are too busy, don’t care or have just got used to it. This can create imbalance. There is always two ways at looking at things. Two people can bring their own individual ideas, their differing God given strengths and often the quieter spouse has the patience to wait, if needed, for the right decision (See Habakkuk 2:2-3)

When a spouse finds themselves having to take the lead more often than their husband or wife, it is wise to pray for humility and allow the Holy spirit to help in curbing any thoughts of control.

The biblical concept of mutual submission helps us to recognise this need to pray and respect one another’s strengths and weaknesses. For example, my husband has more experience in certain areas than I do and vice versa, so we would take the lead accordingly. So, dominance can come from good intention. If we are the quieter spouse and feel dominated, it is in our approach that we will avoid any misunderstanding and criticism of our husband or wife, who may think they are helping. Scripture aptly suggests a ‘gentle answer turns away wrath...’ (Proverbs 15:1 NLT) And we would do well to remember the words of Paul in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 and find a way to - create a vision for direction together.

Create a Vision Together for Direction

When we have a shared dream, idea or vision it has a way of unifying our thoughts allowing us to look beyond our present circumstances. We will seek God’s purpose in our vision and be more willing to take steps of faith in our decisions together.

It is important to write down our ‘marriage mission statement’ and keep a journal, where we review our progress and how we hear from God. (Habakkuk 2:1-2)

We will make some mistakes and poor decisions, but God uses these to train us and then help others. We must learn to reflect and change to move on and grow in our faith.

When we, as a married couple, include God in our decision making and problem solving, He will guide us. In Romans 8:28 (NLT) it encourages us that ‘God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.’ He has our back whatever decision we make if we trust in Him.

You might also be interested in our Podcast entitled ‘How to Make Decisions and Problem Solve as a Married Couple’