How to Overcome Resentment in Marriage: 5 Biblical Steps

Introduction

We can so easily allow resentment to build and fester in our minds. In fact, that is what resentment is – a slow burning hurt that stems from self-centred anger, leading to mistrust and bitterness. Resentment feeds the hurt caused by real or perceived injustice and emotional pain. It can become all-consuming as it clings to our own sinful beliefs. How to overcome resentment in marriage is very important because resentment, and it’s co-hort bitterness, will erode any intimacy we once had and steal our joy. This then becomes an ever-increasing circle of anger, hurt, resentment and bitterness etc (see Proverbs 21:19). Resentment is so common in us as human beings because we are naturally inclined towards self-centredness. When we feel that we’ve been treated unfairly or even carelessly, we can easily have a sense of self-righteousness that can boil into bitterness. This happened in the older brother of the Prodigal son. (See Luke 15:11-32)

Another example of what resentment can do is that of Cain and Abel. In Genesis chapter 4, Cain became very angry and dejected because he ‘felt’ God didn’t accept him. It is interesting to note in verse 7 that God himself graciously gives Cain a way out by asking him why he is upset and tells him how to make it better. He also warns Cain of the consequences of sin and again what Cain should do to prevent it. Sadly, we know the result of this story.

It affects married couples because it is a spiritual issue as well as an emotional one and of course our marriage relationship is spiritual because God joined us as one. Resentment and bitterness will destroy that relationship with its poison, disabling the act of forgiving and create a hardening heart.

 It is important to recognise this destructive mindset as soon as possible because it will take control and damage our love for God as well as our spouse, which blocks our peace. A great scripture to highlight this issue is in Ephesians 4:31-32 (NLT), ‘Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words and slander, as well as all types of malicious behaviour. Instead, be kind to each other, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.’

How do we overcome resentment in our marriage when we sense this destructive force in our thoughts? Like the above scripture in Ephesians, there are 5 steps that can start the healing process by bringing God into the mix.

1) Recognition & Acknowledgement

It is that recognition and decision to acknowledge our feelings towards our spouse, by being honest with ourselves and with God in prayer. This starts the process of ‘getting rid of all bitterness…’. Eph 4:31 (NLT). In the Old Testament, King David wrote in the Psalm 139:23-24(NLT), “Search me O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you and lead me along the path of everlasting life.”

The Lord will gently remind us of the true source of our resentment, without condemning us, as we pray reflectively. It is a good idea to name, in our prayers, the different ways or offenses that we believe are causing the hurt and anger. This gets them out of our sensitivity and to ‘lay them on the table,’ so to speak, before the Lord. It also prevents the urge to start blaming your spouse again but focus on personal responsibility.

2) Choose to Forgive

When we choose to forgive, the healing can start. We mustn’t rely on our feelings to forgive because our feelings are carnal - based on our warped sense of self - that caused the resentment in the first place. Forgiveness is an act of obedience that as Christians we are to practice with the help of the Holy Spirit so that He can release us from the sin of resentment which has a hold on us. It is also a commandment of God, that we follow his example. (See Colossians 3:13 )

We actively forgive by praying for our spouse and asking the Lord to bless them and stating “I choose to forgive…” We can also write a letter, expressing our feelings of forgiveness, how much we love them and our longing to put things right, that caused the resentment in the first place. Only we know whether it would be appropriate to give the letter to them. Sometimes it is only for our benefit, at the time, as a releasing process.

3) Honest conversation can begin

When we find forgiveness in our hearts, we also find it possible to be honest in our communication. ‘Let the words of Christ, in all their richness, live in your hearts and make you wise.’ (Colossians 3:16 NLT) It is only right that we should have an open conversation with our spouse about how we feel, about how their behaviour or attitude has been affecting us etc. But we don’t go in with all guns blazing, accusing them of all that is wrong.

Firstly, they haven’t been chewing on the same stale grass, ruminating on the hurt and anger that we have. This could be quite a surprise, or they may well be used to our ranting, and we will not get any better response. Instead, we must own the situation knowing that we are probably equally guilty of causing the misunderstanding.  But even if we are not, we continue to choose forgiveness and be ready to move on and be kind. (See Titus 3:3-7).

We need to be ‘quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry’ (James 1:19 NLT) No Interrupting and try to understand their point of view. The use of “I” statements instead of pointing the finger, allows us to convey the way we ‘feel’ and is less accusatory. They will naturally feel inclined to listen to us as well. This is Grace in practice!

4) Start rebuilding with love in action

Our gracious words must lead to grace-filled actions. Everyone likes to feel loved. We should find out, if we do not know already, what our spouse’s love language is. It will feel like you are pushing treacle up hill and you will not see the fruit of your labour! Remember that behavioural habits don’t change overnight - small acts of mercy and verbal encouragement will help our connection and love to grow, causing those irritable feelings of resentment to dissolve. Most importantly, we must continue to pray for our spouse and with them, if they are willing.

Other shared spiritual practices of reading and sharing Bible passages, will strengthen the relationship too. Remembering all the time that ‘Love is patient and kind…Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged… (1 Corinthians 13:4-5 NLT)

It is good to be thankful for those ‘good times’ we share - celebrating small victories. That reveals the progress and restores the joy. However, if there are still some sticking issues that don’t seem to change, it may mean that a third party, like a Marriage coach may be needed to help see things from another perspective and offer the way forward.

5) Ongoing Surrender

Working at getting to know God and understand the promises He has given us, through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, means continually surrendering to His word. Likewise, we must continually surrender our marriage to God daily. Praying together should become a priority. When we do this, it is impossible to be at odds with each other.

Feelings of resentment will try to resurface. The enemy will try to turn a thought about our spouse into a negative perspective - with limited understanding. Continue to communicate feelings and thoughts with one another, praying for and with each other. ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.’ (Proverbs 3:5 NLT) When we seek His face, He will make our hearts tender towards our spouse.

Interestingly, as we grow closer in our relationship to God, we find our love and graciousness to each other increases and deepens. Our God is a Redeeming God. He said that He makes all things new! (See Revelation 21:5)

You might also like to listen to our Podcast entitled ‘How When and Why to Pray as a Married Couple’