Building a resilient marriage through tough times
Seeking Strength in God’s Word
What is a resilient marriage? The word resilience in the Oxford English Dictionary, means to ‘spring’ or bounce back; to resume or to bend after stretching. We know that in all marriage relationships, there are times that bring us to a low point. Life’s struggles that stretch and stress us. The ability and understanding that allows us to bounce back and come back stronger without cracking and breaking, is what we hope to find in this blog.
God’s word encourages us to build that resilience but it doesn’t happen overnight. In fact, everything that God gives us is to help us trust and lean into Him. This is the secret that Paul found during all of his struggles - and he endured many. In the NLT he writes, ‘I have learned the secret of living in every situation.....I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need.’ (Philippians 4:12 &13) He knew that we can do nothing in our own strength and this is where we can fall down. Isaiah, the prophet, knew this too when he wrote, ‘He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; he offers strength to the weak. (Chapter 40:29) ‘But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles...’ (v.31). He gives us a spiritual second wind - a resilience to keep going.
Changing our Mindset
Unfortunately, we often have high expectations of each other in our marriages so when our husband or wife doesn’t live up to them, we can start to become discontent and disconnected. How did Paul ‘learn’ to be content? How did he build that resilient mindset? It is just that, changing the way we think, allowing God’s Spirit to transform our minds and see our struggles as opportunities, our trials and difficulties as times of learning. I am speaking to myself here because it is so hard in the natural. But we, as God’s children, do not have to be fleshy and worldly about life. We are supposed to look Heavenwards. ‘....and He will give you everything you need from day to day if you live for him and make the Kingdom of God your Primary concern.’ (Matthew 6:33 NLT).
We can strengthen our marriage bond by drawing close to God. So how do we do this? By attending our local church community for support; get into a joyful habit of reading the Bible together, and separately. Plus, most importantly, praying together regularly. When we do this, it will grow our love and appreciation of one another, lessening those ambitious expectations and seeing our spouse how God sees them. Prayer acts as a spiritual covering over us too, protecting us from many of life’s woes or at least guiding us through them successfully. This increases our faith.
Improving Connection
Another practical way of building resilience in our marriages is to practice good listening skills. When we are listened to, we feel loved and accepted. (James 1:19)
Have regular date nights whenever and wherever possible. This gives ample opportunities to open up the conversation. This means that both of us can express how we feel about a given situation or issue that might be bothering us and the other must listen without interrupting! Paraphrasing is a useful tool and asking questions so that the spouse who is talking can express themselves further. When we include the Lord in this through prayer, we find ourselves in a powerful place where the solution can sometimes be found.
Problems and troubles, whether they are of our own causing, from outside, or suddenly stuff just seems to happen, they affect us all in different ways with varying levels of adaptability. Mechanical breakdowns for example, create financial nightmares for some people as well as a huge inconvenience. These can really be frustrating. (See our blog on Navigating Financial Strife)
Cultivating Gratitude
There are of course long-term difficulties which can bring hardship through job loss and illness. These need a greater level of support and understanding between a couple. But resilience can be cultivated by focusing on and celebrating those small wins; recognising help and being grateful towards each other by showing our appreciation and just saying “thank you”; and by not focusing on the problem but looking for ways that lift our hopes, we will become less despairing and more joyful and thankful. (1 Thessalonians 5:18)
When we are sharing how we are feeling and maybe writing things down in a prayer journal, we are effectively giving our cares to God (1 Peter:7) and supporting one another through our trials. (Galatians 6:2) This gives strength and stability to our marriage which builds that resilience for when the next trial comes along.
Why Consider a Marriage Coach?
Lastly, we might find that looking at our problem from a different perspective with the help and guidance of a marriage coach, would be a good investment. It’s easy to get into emotional ruts that weaken our friendship and focus. Another way at seeing the future and how to navigate it might be all that is necessary to get a couple back on track to face life with confidence. Adding tools to our marriage toolbox is very wise if we want to build resilience, deepen our love and thrive throughout those tough times.
