Parenting stress? How to stay strong as a united team

Different Expectations of Parenting

Here in the UK, the summer holidays or recess/vacation has just begun. For some married couples this is a very exciting time and, as parents, they have it all sorted and arranged. For others, it is a dreaded ordeal and creates a huge amount of stress and tension, particularly if you are parents who are going to have to juggle with work and childcare for younger school aged children. Parenting of course doesn’t stop when they go back to school either.

When a couple get married, they may well have some views on how they will bring up their children. They may assume that they are ‘on the same page’, only to find out that they have very different ways of disciplining from how they were treated as children. I remember how my husband and I didn’t always agree because he was, as a child and teenager, “well behaved and hardly ever got told off!”. Whereas I came from a very controlling and strict family home, where tensions were often high. Unfortunately, this created in me a tendency to be unnecessarily strict and harsh too, on occasions. There was, as a result, a fair few heated discussions and accusations between us about who was right and who wasn’t. The more we grew in our faith and the children grew in maturity, we learnt to respect and understand each other with the main aim of helping our children to become the godly adults we hope for.

Understanding Discipline and Unity

Parenting stress in a Christian marriage can be eradicated simply by recognising two Biblical concepts. Firstly, understanding what God means by discipline and secondly, the importance of unity and staying strong as a team in our marriage - and especially in front of the children.

In Deuteronomy 8:5 (NLT) ‘So you should realise that just as a parent disciplines a child, the Lord your God disciplines you to help you.’ Note the last few words...’ to help you’. We tend to think of discipline as punishment but that has never been God’s way. Jesus’ followers were called Disciples because they were learning from him, not being punished! Discipline should be a form of loving guidance and development. See Hebrews 12:7-11

When it comes to unity, there is nothing less confusing than one rule, one set of instructions and agreement coming from all concerned. A child needs to know and see their parents joined together as a united front in all aspects of parenting but particularly in discipline. This gives them structure, boundaries and, more importantly, a sense of feeling cared for and ultimately loved. We mentioned in our previous blog on families, how destructive the influence can be on a child’s mental health, when they are ill disciplined with harsh treatment or neglect. There are a couple of examples in the Bible to support this. In 1 Samuel 3:11-14 where Eli, the priest neglected disciplining his sons, resulting in their contempt of God and it’s destructive effects on his whole community. The other example is with King David in 1 Kings 1:6. The whole chapter then goes on to support the importance of unity in the face of disobedience to create success.

First Pray

Praying together brings unity and joint wisdom and ‘ the wisdom that comes from heaven is first pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no partiality and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of goodness.’ (James 3:17-18 NLT) According to James, we need a whole lot of wisdom if we are to parent well and reap that harvest! As we pray, we dissolve the potential for conflicting differences and come to an agreed understanding that is guided by His Spirit. See Amos 3:3

Practical Solutions

In practical terms, it may be a good idea to write down some form of mission statement that includes some parenting goals that are based on Biblical instruction. If the children are old enough, they could take part in agreeing with what their responsibilities are in the family and what form of discipline would ensue, which would result in forfeits, when they don’t comply.

We found, as our children were growing, that to spend regular time with them did reduce conflict between them and a more peaceful home. Please note that I did write the word ‘regular’ and not ‘more’. So many couples can become obsessed with spending most of their free time entertaining or organising their children, leaving little room for connecting and enjoying each other. How is that disciplining them? And how does that leave you feeling? Stressed! As a society over the last 30 years or so, we have created an expectation in our children to be entertained - now! Or have things arranged for them - today! With easier access to things, immediacy is the operative word. But we know from God’s word that He isn’t into instantaneous but the slow waiting game. We need to take a leaf out of His book on great parenting that leaves us feeling calm and more loving towards our children as well as ourselves. Doing things with our children that is age appropriate, doesn’t have to be expensive or difficult to organise. Going for walks/hikes maybe with a simple picnic is lovely wherever you live. It maybe just visiting your local park, if living in a town or city. We would often go on bike rides too. Having movie nights with snacks or plan a family meal together - or a barbecue. Organising board games sparks interesting conversation as well and opportunities for encouragement.

Modelling Godly Principles

Our children, as teenagers and into adulthood, need to observe their parents; being loving; disagreeing but able to discuss constructively; forgiving and not undermining each other. This will produce contented, positive and secure children. If they see us getting stressed and angry, they will in the words of Paul in Colossians, ‘...become discouraged and quit trying’. (v3:21 NLT).

When we, as parents, take our role seriously because we put Jesus first and invite His Spirit to help us, we will reduce and remove any stress associated with it. In Proverbs 31:27-28 (NLT), it sums up our role through the careful act of a wife and mother and ultimately as a couple when we evaluate our parenting role and how it affects our relationship. ‘She carefully watches all that goes on in her household and does not have to bear the consequences.....Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her.’

‘Unless the Lord builds a house, the work of the builders is useless.’ (Psalm 127:1 NLT)