Family ties: Strengthening bonds or creating tension?
There is nothing quite like a wedding for bringing families together. When couples get married, they are not only becoming united themselves but they are joining one another’s family. This in itself brings all sorts of scenarios for better or worse!
God created family as a means by which we can learn how to relate as He intended. When a family follows His guidelines, there is no better place than family to bring positive change in the world. It is this environment that has the greatest effect on a child’s lifestyle and values (Joshua 24:15). Conversely, there is no other group of people than family who can have such a destructive effect on a child’s mental health and, as a consequence, their outlook on life in later years and with whom they relate. With all that in mind, we come into our marriage relationship with potential baggage that could either strangle or strengthen it.
As I write this blog, I’m thinking of my own family - that is my husband and our two grown up children. They are now with their own partners, living away from our home. We love getting together as often as is possible and even gathering with the partner’s families - and so the circle widens. Eventually, we hope, for the family to increase with grandchildren. We hope that by our example of committing to one another, despite our ups and downs for over forty years, we have given our children an element of what is important in a marriage relationship. We have such a responsibility in families to not only love and support but encourage and live by example (Deuteronomy 6:5-9).
If our own upbringing was difficult and we had very little love and encouragement, we have to be open and honest with our spouse to enable them to understand why we respond and react, the way we do, to their behaviour. We each come into marriage with different ways of doing things and expectations of each other, usually based on our upbringing. Many things are of mild frustration like having to get used to the idea that your husband doesn’t cook or put the rubbish or trash out, like you expected, or he was hoping you were better at finances like his mum is and he always had his shirts ironed on time for work.
However, where there has been or still is emotional turmoil from a demanding and difficult parent/sibling, this can have huge ramifications that can knock marriages sideways, if there isn’t a solid foundation of understanding and patience. This is where some form of preparation, during the dating phase of a relationship, is so crucial. When a couple have the opportunity to get deep into each other’s backgrounds, through a carefully produced marriage preparation course or guidance, the stability of their relationship is so much stronger and able to withstand any demands from ‘outside’ coming in. There is a part of the wedding service that reminds the family (& friends) of their responsibility to the couple. It asks them to effectively be there for them and to honour their new status as a married couple. And this is not only for the present but well into the future. How many of us have promised that and not kept it? I’m certainly guilty of that. But for the immediate family it is fundamental to the well-being and strengthening of that marriage.
The couple themselves have an equal responsibility to respect their families. Just because we have become a new unit or family ourselves, doesn’t mean we can usurp our attention towards our parents and siblings. When we say “forsaking all others...”, it is interesting to note that although it primarily refers to not having an extra marital affair, it does also apply to the way we relate to our families of origin, particularly our parents who have cared for us. Yes, out of pure love and kindness we must value our parents, particularly. We are commanded to honour them. This commandment, we are reminded in Ephesians 6:2-3, ‘...is the first of the Ten commandments that ends with a promise….. If you honour your father and mother’, “you will live a long life, full of blessing.” (Exodus 20:12 NLT) For some, however, this is not an easy commandment because of abuse, neglect or painful memories. But, by seeking our Heavenly Father’s word, He will give us the Grace to find a way to forgive and show our love towards them. (Ephesians 6:1 & 23)
So, boundaries must be drawn up by us, as a couple, and lovingly presented to our families to create an understanding and respect among us, otherwise there could be tensions between us; between me and my parents; between my husband and his family, or even between me or him and our respective in-laws. That is horrible and creates horrendous problems. Some members of the family can feel ‘left out’ at certain times and events and festivals like Christmas and birthdays. It is actually kind and helpful to all when we lay down our ‘rules’. Obviously, we cannot please everyone all the time so there does have to be some flexibility and a few sacrifices on everyone’s part. Planning and creativity is the answer to this, always remembering that the next generation are watching and hopefully learning kindness and respectful negotiation when they get married!
The bottom line is, we must stand together as a united front (Ephesians 5:31) We must at all times remember who are priority is - Who we made our promises to...”Forsaking all others..”
In 1 Peter chapter 3, the Apostle Peter encourages all Christians how to behave towards one another but interestingly highlights husbands and wives. A wife must respect her husband and the husband must ‘....treat her with understanding as you live together’. (1 Peter 3:7 NLT) So, both spouse’s must help each other to decide how and when to help their respective wider family and elderly parents, when the need arises, without causing disruption or feelings of neglect. An illustration of this is when a couple; who live some distance from their extended family; they don’t have much financial resources to travel; and the family member ‘in need’, is known to cause disruption between the couple. At the same time they receive criticism from other family members for not being ‘Christian enough’.!! It’s a tough call so prayer and God’s word is vital.
In 1 Corinthians 7:32-35(NLT) Paul clearly states that a married couple’s interests are somewhat divided as they must be concerned for one another as well as doing the Lord’s work. I believe this passage is communicating the important fact that God does not want us to be overwhelmed with ‘...the concerns of this life....and ..’serve the Lord best with as few distractions as possible.’ (verses 32 & 35)
In our book, ‘Marriage made in Heaven when we say I will’, my husband points out that dealing with our own affairs in the pursuit of a highly successful, well paid job or the overcommitting of oneself to outside pursuits could ‘...ultimately damage the family (unit), then what purpose has it served?’. He also goes on to say that conversely, living for and almost worshipping the children is equally damaging to our marriage, leaving ‘...a dis-connect and an emptiness’ when the grown children leave home. Children need to see their parents enjoying their marriage relationship. Our marriage is about serving God through the way we serve and love our spouse and family.
We must thank God for the model of a family unit that He gave us originally in His word, so that our marriage and the marriages of our children and other family members, can be strengthened.
