Why friendship is the heartbeat of a thriving marriage
What does friendship mean to you? For some, the casual acquaintance may be accepted as a friend but that sounds more like Facebook than someone you can trust. Real friends are long lasting-where loyalty, faithfulness, confidences and understanding are proven between us. This type of friendship is deep and mature.
A marriage built on a deep mature friendship is much more likely to thrive, than a simple attraction, where we are trying to ‘get’ from the marriage what only satisfies us.
‘A true friend is always loyal..’ (17:17) and ‘Wounds from a friend are better than kisses from an enemy’ (27:6) are scriptures from Proverbs (NLT), illustrating the importance of being true, open and transparent in our marriages. Our selfish disposition, however, causes us to take offence easily, so we would rather not hear something painful from our spouse, that might help ultimately, but instead listen to artificial words from others, who do not have our interests at heart. They really don’t care and will agree with anything we ask or say. Sadly, many marriages believe that secrets, doing your own things and listening to others will ‘keep the peace’ with their spouse. Some couples do not get to that ‘heart to heart’ conversation where we challenge one another, deepen our friendship and ultimately our love for each other. We maybe on dangerous ground here. This is where extra-marital affairs can start. So, friendship is definitely a strength we can overlook while selfishly seeking our own romantic desires.
Loyalty and sacrifice are qualities that reflect a Godly marriage (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12) and marriage was created by God to provide friendship or companionship. (Genesis 2:18). Jesus refers to loyalty and sacrifice in the Gospel of John chapter 15, when he speaks of measuring our love for one another. ‘The greatest love is shown when people lay down their lives for their friends.’ (v 13 NLT) And this can be reflected in the way a husband and a wife submit to each other in their loving concern for one another (Ephesians 5:22-30). Jesus also said in the same chapter of John’s Gospel (v15) that he no longer calls us servants but his friends. Friendship represents an intimate relationship because Jesus explains that he now confides in us, by telling us everything the Father tells him. He does this now of course by his Spirit. So, the Bible places some significance to friendship. In the Psalms as well, David, who was often described as a man after God’s own heart, speaks of a friendship with God, in Psalm 25 (NLT), as only being, ‘..reserved for those who fear Him, With them He shares the secrets of His covenant.’
How do we cultivate and enjoy this gift of friendship which should be the heartbeat of our marriage? Or as Amos put it “Can two people walk together, without agreeing on the direction?” (Amos 3:3 NLT).
We have spoken already of strength, intimacy and sacrifice being hallmarks of friendship but what practically draws these strands together?
Prayer has to be the main source. We have to make ourselves vulnerable to our spouse as well as to God. We mentioned before about being open and transparent, prayer does just that. Reading the Bible together also is a very liberating feeling, as it brings mutual understanding of what God is doing in both our lives as individuals and as a couple.
Share other activities together or at least encourage the gifts you see. My husband Kevin is teaching himself to play Piano. I enjoy listening to him practicing while I’m enjoying my gift of baking or cooking. He enjoys partaking in another new recipe I’ve tried. (Hebrews 10:24)
Seeking to speak each other’s love language is the sacrificial way of showing your best friend how important he or she is to you. When was the last time they noticed the effort you made to help them feel loved? If there hasn’t been any comments or gratitude from them, consider whether you’ve understood their language.
Putting our husband or wife first in all our decision making is declaring that they are the most important person, your best of friends and biggest fan. Supporting them verbally, in front of others, is a wonderful way of encouraging them. And sharing a mutually funny joke or saying, that only you two understand in public, is amazingly connecting. Only two strong and close friends have that bond.
St. Paul warned his ‘dear Corinthian friends!’ When he said they should be united in their love for one another by ‘......not teaming up..’(2 Corinthians 6 v11&14 NLT) with those who don’t share their beliefs. In other words, it strengthens our friendship when we have a shared faith and purpose. It is good to share the same values.
Think about your best friend at school - what was special? This is the deep friendship that our spouse deserves with us, so that our marriage can thrive and grow.
