Feeling incompatible? Reignite your love God’s way

It is so wonderful when things go right and just as we hoped it would, isn’t it? That is when we have planned something, for example; a holiday, a special event, or a day out, but what about how we feel towards people? We are so pleased when we ‘get on’ with someone, especially when it’s our husband or wife and we feel that we are on the ‘same page’ - they agree with us, laugh at the same jokes, take an interest in our interests and basically make us feel good about life in general. Check out our blog on ‘Choosing the right person to marry and what to consider’.

However, there does appear to be a rising tendency to perceive that, if there isn’t this feeling or sense of oneness between us, we must be incompatible and therefore we may not be able to stay together. Sadly, this way of thinking, about relationships, is enforced in our society through the media; what we read, and our friends and relatives who didn’t take the time to change their thinking. It has become a normal way to understand how we are to interact. This is happening amongst strong Christian couples too.

Is it incompatibility? This is when we need to step back and reconsider our thought pattern, behaviour and become a little more creative. We mustn’t forget that, as humans, we have been created so ‘wonderfully complex’ (Psalm 139:14 NLT) We also fell in love and chose our wonderfully complex spouse, who is also affected by life that doesn’t stay static. We move on and change at different times and speeds, as we grow old together. If we believe that God joined us (Mark 10:9), then we also believe that He equips us in the relationship He has placed us in. We know, as Christians, that marriage is more than our shared interests and aligned personalities. We each made a vow, a covenant promise to one another, in God’s presence. Those promises were made ‘to’ our husband or wife, not ‘for’ our personal benefit. That is why we have to step back and reconsider our thought pattern. Could the ‘problem’ be inattention rather than incompatibility? Have we been inattentive to our spouse’s emotional and spiritual needs?

It is so often the case that we have taken our eyes off the road that God set us on to serve Him. We are looking ‘in’ instead of outwards and upwards. ‘A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple braid cord is not easily broken.’ (Ecclesiastes 4:12 NLT) This scripture points out that we can fight against life’s battles when we have each other’s backs but not all the time because we become weak and get dents in our armour. The need to recognise God’s all round presence, in the marriage as well, strengthens the marital ties. The Lord must be woven into every aspect of our lives. Please note that the scripture does say ‘..not easily broken.’ In other words, as imperfect humans, our relationships are fragile so there has to be continued maintenance as we grow and change, with God’s help. If we loosen our grip from Him, we will cause ourselves to break and drift.

It is spiritual drifting that subtly promotes impatience, ingratitude, less grace and ultimately less connection - which we can interpret, falsely, as growing out of love and eventual incompatibility! But growth doesn’t have to mean growing apart.

Praise God, even though He brought us together as a team, He sees us with unique qualities that compliment our relationship. We do not complete each other. In fact, our very differences have been given to inspire, challenge and energise us. God’s ways are much higher than ours (Isaiah 55:8&9) and He turns everything upside down from the way we think. When we do step back and rethink creatively together, His Holy Spirit will give us wisdom to discover His purposes for us as a married couple (Romans 8:28). It will not happen quickly because God is into heart changing not quick fixes. True teamwork, not loose leniency is what is needed. “Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.”(1Peter 4:8 NLT)

When we draw near to God, as a couple, we will want to draw closer together in everything.

Start praying together or share devotional readings that naturally cause thanksgiving as a couple.

Make time to share every difficulty and problem and present them as prayer requests to the one who will provide solutions and opportunities.

Attend a church regularly and serve together if possible, to build a shared purpose. If unable to attend together, then share information to be inclusive and encourage attendance to informal social events.

Keep dating and enjoying each other’s company with revisiting the things you haven’t done for a while!

Speak each other’s love language.

If the struggle is a bit deeper, seek counsel from a Christian marriage coach who will help you to see things from another perspective and help move forward to reach new goals and dreams.