Balancing Healthy Friendships : His, Hers and Ours

The Importance of Friendship

When we are single it is natural to spend time enjoying the company of our own friends. When we get married, we may well continue to meet up with those friends with whom we have known, potentially, for a long time since school days or from college or university. They may even be old neighbours that we’ve managed to keep in contact with. Then there are our work colleagues- past and present; our church friends and those we meet at the school gate perhaps.  We have built up a long list of memories over the years but only some remain loyal and long-lasting, while others are just casual acquaintances.  Through whatever circumstances we have come together, all have contributed to making us the person we are, honing and shaping some of our ideas and values. We then meet our best friend for life, our spouse.

Friendship Dilemmas?

However, these old friends of ours could prove their worth when we are married. Will they try to compete and become a distraction, bring a vibrancy and encouragement to our relationship, or will they just move on and disappear? Can we share these friends as a married couple? These are questions that need to be asked. Do we like each other’s friends? Do we need them when we have each other? ‘Why should I give them up?’ You may be asking?

Different ways of Friendship

As husbands and wives, we must accept our different ways of being friends with other people. There should be no reason to give up on our ‘old’ friends and even the making of new ones during the course of our daily life.  It is interesting to observe though that men generally tend to have casual ‘mates’ who they enjoy a drink or a round of golf with, meet in church or over the garden fence. Whereas women will have several friends but one or two very close friends who they share and exchange confidences with. When we get married, we should recognise the importance of those individual friendships that our spouse has enjoyed and give space to each other to continue enjoying them (Romans 12:9 &10 &12 &13 NLT) and the rich contribution they bring, but not at the expense of our marriage friendship, making sure that we give priority to that relationship. This means that we involve our spouse when arranging ‘catch-ups’ with our friends, checking if it’s ok, that they haven’t arranged something else that day with you.  We are not our husband or wife’s keeper, but we love them enough to care how they feel about our where-abouts! Our husband or wife should always be the first person we turn to in decision making and the sharing of our lives because our friendship is a covenant one in the eyes of God.  (Ephesians 5:21-33 NLT) Another important issue is if we have had opposite sex friends. Is my husband happy for me to meet up with my old male friend that I’ve known since Uni days? Is my wife ok if I continue to give my female co-worker a lift in my car to work? We should discuss these situations and have an agreement put in place for everyone’s sake and be prepared to change out of love and respect. That is what ‘to cherish’ means in practice.

Mutual Friends

The most wonderful result for any couple is being able to enjoy the company of mutual friends. Friendship is a gift from God that He brings into our marriage for us to share in order that we can minister and care for them together and vice versa. It is such a blessing when my husband and I share the company of another, like-minded, married couple. There is a comfortable closeness where we can share our hearts together. An excited joy of being in each other’s company with no reserve but respect and genuine love. I give thanks to the Lord for friends we can pray with and for; friends with whom we can challenge and be challenged by in our marriage. Married couples need to know they have friends who will stick by them, come along side, when there is a need. ‘A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need’ (Proverbs 17:17 NLT)

God’s Friends

Friendship is mentioned often in the Bible. Jesus spoke to the man he released from many demons and said, “Go home to your friends and tell them what wonderful things God has done for you; and how merciful he has been.” (Mark 5:19 NLT) And in the Gospels of John, he addresses his letters with “Dear friends…” and finishes with sending his friends greetings. The Apostle Paul mentions the importance of friends who helped him in his missionary work. However, what we must hold dear to is the love of God and His friendship with us. In Exodus it says, ‘…the Lord would speak to Moses face to face, as a man speaks to his friend. (Exodus 33:11-23 NLT)

In Romans we are reminded that, ‘For since we were restored to friendship with God by the death of his son while we were still his enemies, we will certainly be delivered from eternal punishment by his life. So, now we can rejoice in our wonderful new relationship with God – all because of what our lord Jesus Christ has done for us in making us friends of God.’ (Romans 5:10-11 NLT) (John 15:13-15)

In our marriage relationship we must never forget His friendship with us knowing He is always there. See Matthew 18:20 & Ecclesiastes 4:9-12