7 Ways to Rekindle Passion and fun in your Marriage
The fairy tale reads, “And they got married and lived happily ever after”. It would be great if it was that simple, but we are two imperfect people coming together to create and maintain a loving home. To do this means, as a wise man once said, “Love, though natural and spontaneous in its origin, must not be left to itself. Constant thought and care are indispensable to its higher perfection and beauty.”
Marriage is a holy estate, wherever you got married, which means there are large grounds to explore! You should never tire of each other if you are willing to put the effort of passion, fun and romance into your relationship. Every couple needs a love that stays exciting and passionate throughout their marriage and into the years ahead. Here are 7 ways to rekindle that passionate love.
1. Recognise & Remember the Love we have
The Song of Songs in the bible is a great place to start. “I am my lover’s, and my lover is mine”. (S of S Chapter 6:3 NLT). We excitedly announced our joy of becoming husband and wife to our wedding guests, to each other and, most importantly, to God. Our vows of commitment included our cherishing and love of one another which means to be considerate, unselfish and understanding. Let us give thanks and rejoice over our marriage relationship every day.
We do this by simply making connection every morning, particularly when we leave each other and come back; on waking and going to sleep. That meaningful kiss and hug make such a difference and speaks volumes to your spouse. It creates a special bond and sense of belonging. We should never become despondent but deliberate. I know that this means a lot to my husband as his love language is touch. It is especially loving when we connect through an unexpected kiss on the back of the neck; a gentle touch of the fingers as we pass in the kitchen or making a point of sitting that much closer on the settee and snuggling into each other’s arms. It helps us to know, during the busyness of our lives, that we matter to each other. He hasn’t dropped to bottom of my list! And I’m still the girl he saw when we met.
2. Make your spouse your priority (after God)
Call me old fashioned or maybe out of touch but I’m always amazed and, dare I say, saddened by the general attitude that many couples have - that is doing things separately much of the time. I know we all have different jobs that pull us apart, especially if one of us works shift pattens, and then there are functions within the home that require us to work separately sometimes but I’m talking about leisure time, in particular. I have noted on more than the odd occasion, that friends and colleagues are quite happy to organise trips out, holidays/vacation without consulting their spouse or worse still arranging to go without them altogether! I personally don’t think this to be very wise, and it can easily create a disconnect within the relationship. Of course, it is good to do some activities separately with agreement, so that you can come back together and have stories to share. But it is so important to discuss any commitments with your spouse first. As for mealtimes, these are such great opportunities for connecting, so it is better to not grab something on the go or when you get to work and try not to eat before your spouse gets home. Save those times for just you two and with your family. Even those down times in front of the Television, let us find something that we both enjoy watching on the Television and can chat about afterward or even laugh together during the programme. Avoid spending hours on phones texting a friend, playing a game or whatever removes our attention from each other in a negative way.
We should make an extra effort to put our husband or wife first to show them how much we love them. We should look forward to enjoying the company of our spouse, sharing our moments together. See Proverbs 5:15-19)
3. Connecting spiritually through prayer and God’s word
When you think about passion in your relationship, I don’t suppose reading scripture and praying come immediately to mind?! However, it has been found that couples do feel more intimate towards each other. Women particularly find their husbands more sexually attractive when he leads his wife in prayer. We make ourselves vulnerable when we open ourselves to praying. When we bring honesty, humility and love in our attitude towards our creator, this draws us, as a couple, closer together.
Reading scripture that emphasises our marital relationship can be exciting, affirming and quietly erotic, especially words from the Song of songs. See chapter 1:2-4 & 12-13
4. Heart to Heart conversations
Being spiritually vulnerable can encourage us to be more open and intimate in our conversations. When we can confess our failures and seek forgiveness - and indeed receive forgiveness humbly- this rekindles our love and passion for one another. Our communication can rise to a deeper level of intimacy. We call this our heart-to-heart communication. Listening is a very important skill here and being willing to admit failure and trying to understand our spouse’s point of view is a necessity. There should be no secrets, no shame, no fear but pure love for one another. (See Romans 15;5-7)
5. Love in writing
When my husband and I met we found ourselves miles apart due to our career studies in different cities. Unlike today, we didn’t have mobile/cell phones. We had to put pen to paper and rely on the post. Patience for a reply somehow was exciting and part of the fun and passion. I believe the saying, ‘patience makes the heart grow fonder’, is very true. In this more ‘instant’ world we live in, we possibly don’t give each other the opportunity, during the dating phase, to let our love slowly and excitedly grow with a sense of curiosity and wonderment! The consequences are that we could tire of each other and become bored soon after the honeymoon!
It is never too late or out of date to rekindle this more cathartic way of expression. The act of sitting down in itself and deciding to express one’s feelings, by writing them out, is truly loving. Penning a deep, passionate letter will speak to the heart of our loved one and this is particularly true for those whose love language is words. It doesn’t have to be a long letter either. A few words on a ‘post it’ note or notes placed around the house for our spouse to find is fun and sexually enticing!
6. Turn back time by trying something new-together
Sometimes we do need to look back to move forward. We do this by remembering the things we did when we first met. What interests, hobbies or pastimes did we enjoy but have simply let go of because of life’s busyness?
We could even start something new that suits us both and creates a focus and joint fulfilment. Sharing success, our joys and dreams have a way of bringing a depth of unity and togetherness which is passionate and fun. It renews and rejuvenates our marriage. My husband and I have enjoyed being part of a choir; serving in church together; joining a painting group and even tried our hand- or should I say our feet- at Ball room and Latin dance classes! The joy and laughter can make us feel like our teenage selves and makes us fall in love all over again!
7. The art of Flirting
I believe we tend not to flirt with our spouse because we think, ‘why should we’? There is little or no mystery left to discover, we have seen everything through the years gradually sagging or slightly aging and we can have each other anytime because we know we belong to one another.
Flirting with our spouse, however, must be different, daring and provocative. What does that mean? It is creating ‘sexual tension’ when we can’t do anything about it. In a crowded place like a restaurant, a party in a friend’s house, around the table with the family. Or even in our own home when we are about to have visitors or go out the door.
How to do this starts with us which means we must feel sexy in ourselves. Don’t tell yourself you are too old, flabby and boring. Think back to when you first met. We laugh at each other’s jokes and smile more. We make more of an effort to look attractive, give long gazing looks at each other and speak loving words in sexier tones. We touch each other’s hair and shoulders. Nuzzle into his neck and caress her back. We whisper naughty words but now we can text them too! In that crowded place we slip off a shoe and rub his leg under the table; we catch her gaze, wink sexily and mouth that we love her.
These all-project feelings of desire in non-verbal, fun-loving ways that will rekindle what might have become lost over the years but will remind us that we are still a passionate couple who fell in love and still choose to be together. (See ‘The Song of Songs’ chapter 4:13-16)
