Marriage is a journey: Are you Travelling Together?
Over the years of our marriage we have been on various holidays, trips abroad and ‘staycations’. Some have been long road trips with stopovers along the way. Others have introduced us to beautiful historical architecture while wandering the cobbled streets and watching the world go by from a café. We have also just been on long weekends away either visiting family or friends or a new place to explore for a few days often including a country walk. I am sure this resonates with many of you.
Have we reached a crossroad in our marriage?
To get the most value out of a long and relatively expensive holiday, we have found ourselves meticulously planning our every day and trying to understand and learn about the country and its culture. Travelling and staying away from the home can highlight the state of our relationship, be it good, relaxed and easy going or difficult and stressful. There are different pressures and rhythms that will show up our abilities to cope and adapt. Our differing personalities might mean we have different ways to relax. The more we intentionally learn about each other, trying to understand the way our spouse’s think, their desires and dreams, their likes and dislikes and intentionally matching our vision and stride with theirs - like journeying around another country - we are less likely to get into difficulties that could lead to frustration and detours.
The book of Amos puts it quite succinctly in Chapter 3, verse 3. “Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?” (NLT) Like planning a trip, unless we try to understand and come into some agreement with each other, sharing ideas, values and priorities, we will only be sharing the same vehicle, that is our marriage and not actually enjoying the journey as one with one vision and destination. To avoid unnecessary conflict from misunderstandings, we must check in and re-evaluate our expectations on a regular basis. There will be disagreements like any journey where detours arise or unexpected challenges happen, but it is how we respond towards each other that will affect the outcome. Discussion and problem solving together instead of blaming will ease tension. Focussing on the issue will bring a positive direction in the relationship, as Amos inferred.
What’s holding us back?
Colossians 3:12-15 reminds us of the importance of grace, forgiveness and patience. Whether we are on holiday or at home, it is a useful scripture to meditate on especially as the Apostle Paul gives the analogy of putting on love like putting on clothes. In this case, what clothes are we willing to pack?
After the planning comes the actual packing. What are we putting in our suitcase? We all bring some ‘baggage’ into our marriage. Some from our past and what we’ve recently picked up along the way. Whatever we carry and in whatever we carry it in – be it a ‘Backpack’ that we choose not to see or a very outwardly beautiful bag that conceals the messy hurt inside, will all affect the journey of our relationship. These could be worldly issues like perfectionism; workaholism or a need to control but there could also be unresolved abuse issues from ungodly relationships. It could be ‘Fleshly’ like alcohol abuse; eating disorders; pornography or a critical spirit full of resentment. Lastly there are those occultic activities which will bring a very dark cloud into the home. When we hold on to these heavy loads, it can damage our relationships. ‘Let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that hinders our progress...’ (Hebrews 12:1 NLT)
As Christian couples, we know that…” Christ has set us free. Now make sure that you stay free...” (Galatians 5:1 NLT)
We have a responsibility to discuss, confess and comfort each other as a married couple, raising these emotional needs, habits, strongholds or anything that we are struggling with and being open and honest about them. With some of the more demonic activities, it will be necessary to involve a church leader. Praying regularly, reading a helpful book and getting some counselling/coaching are some ways to helping a couple move forward.
Who is the spender and who is the saver in your marriage?
There is generally one of each. One of us will be quite happy to spend out on an expensive cruise holiday, while the other is perfectly happy with a Barge on the canal. Understanding each other’s spending habits with plenty of reassurance and encouragement will ease any tensions. In Ephesians it says to ‘Be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowances for each other’s faults because of your love. Always keep yourselves united in the Holy Spirit and bind yourselves together with Peace’. (Ephesians 4:2-3 NLT) Our attitude to how we spend our money will affect our marriage whether we have joint accounts or not. Continually aligning ourselves as a couple will help us to travel well together.
Finally, do we continue to travel in unity?
Our marriage should be all about the journey that involves shared experiences, celebrating milestones, comforting one another through dark tunnels and realising how far we have come together emotionally and spiritually. We will become closer with every intimate moment. Let us look always forward to the next adventure in store.
