From Roommates to Romance: Revive the Love in your Marriage
It is so easy to let our lives slip into ‘predictable’ mode. We get up, do the housework, go to our respective jobs - whatever and wherever they may be - and if children are still at home, their needs takeover and we can become overly focussed. Before we have a moment to sit and even notice each other, the day is ending. We may have turned more to the electrical devices we hold in our hands or the television that still dominates the ‘living’ room, than turning towards each other in recognition of our emotional needs as a married couple. When this happens almost daily, the danger of becoming more like roommates than lovers, is a slow drift.
What are the signs to avoid?
The signs are subtle. The society in which we live has a deceptive influence on us encouraging us to compete and compare rather than connect and come along side. We can so easily adopt a self-absorbed lifestyle – reaching out to just satisfy our self-centred needs. We may not have noticed anything particularly on the surface. We are too busy and focused on getting and doing more in less time, as fast as we can, and wondering why we are tired, stressed and unfulfilled. There will eventually be a sense of dullness and emptiness in our spirit that creeps up and hopefully causes us to reach out to each other but sometimes it can cause us to reach out to other people who ‘will understand’. Cliched conversations will tarnish our connection. We will find ourselves just functioning in the ordinariness of our daily grind. “What can I get that I’m not getting now?” is the repeated question. Our spouse cannot fulfil that answer. They are probably asking or even demanding the same question, as we are really very similar as men and women, both requiring physical attachment and emotional connection too. The result is criticism, frustration, anger, withdrawal and finally disconnecting. We become irritated roommates and not lovers.
What is the rescue plan?
Jesus said in John 15:7, “But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon.” (THE MESSAGE)
When we first met, our desire to lovingly connect was almost natural. We still were aware that we had to ‘make an effort’ to build ties of attachment. We took pleasure in bonding emotionally, spiritually as well as physically to increase our understanding of each other and thus to create a foundation on which to strengthen those bonds or ties of attachment. That deep need to bond is always there. It never really goes away. We are the ones that get into bad habits of behaviour that lead to bad attitudes and a drifting away.
We should be asking, “What can I say and do that would help?”. Asking questions of each other about how our spouses are feeling rather than selfishly only thinking of our own needs and belittling theirs; being genuinely interested in each other’s days and not being judgemental or critical; giving all our attention to when our spouse is talking to us and responding with love and care, ready to listen to helpful suggestions without going on the defensive or being rude and harsh or just ignoring them; affirming our spouse’s character by noticing their gifts and being thankful and finally being ready to forgive one another especially if they are actually telling a truth that hurts. This avoids building emotional walls and creating bitter roots that will cause cracks in the foundation you created when you met. (Ephesians 4:25-27,29,31-32 NLT)
How we see each other is very important. Do we make our husband or wife our priority? How much do we really love each other!? In 1 Peter 4:8, the Message translation puts it this way, ‘Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything.’ (THE MESSAGE)
After our faith in God who brought us together, our spouse should be next in the pecking order - before the children! Our work, hobbies and interests, church business and other members of our family - like Mum and Dad and siblings, should not take priority. All these are temporary compared to our marriages. Only putting God at the helm of our marriage will bring security, love, and an understanding that allows us to be open and vulnerable towards each other. A spiritual connection with God, through praying together, helps us to tune into each other’s thoughts and needs. This vulnerability brings us closer and prevents a disconnect. Our best recue plan is our faith in God together. As Habakkuk states in his prayer, “The Sovereign Lord is my strength! He will make me surefooted as a deer and bring me safely over the mountains.” Habakkuk 3:19 (NLT)
